Barnes in Common

the magazine of Churches Together in Barnes
July/August 2008

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Listening as part of communication

by Rosemary Hurry

As followers of Christ we are called to follow his example as a communicator. In this age of instant communication, text messaging and e-mails, have we lost the ability to relate one to another? The words we use, the time we give to each other, how we listen, are all significant factors in caring relationships, and perhaps listening comes high up in our priorities.

There are of course ‘skills’ in being a good listener and we can learn to be more skilful. I would suggest that first we need to be aware of what each of us brings to listening. It is something which some find easier than others depending on what type of person we are. Those who are quieter and more reflective will find listening more natural to them. Those of a more extrovert, out-going and naturally chatty personality can find some aspects of listening very hard work. That is not to say they cannot listen well, it may just be a more tiring experience for them.

Good listening is as much about ‘active quietness’; being comfortable with the silences, waiting on the other person, allowing them their own pace and not being tempted to fill in the gaps. Yet clearly there is a need to show total concentration, a genuine interest, empathy and a non-judgemental acceptance of what is shared.

We can all listen to different degrees, but have we really heard what is being said? Are we ‘clock watching’ because we are anxious about what we have to do next? Are we fully able to understand and feel how it might be, to be in the other person’s shoes? Can we express simply in words, and by ‘how’ we listen, that we have truly understood? For, listening is about being there for others, genuinely caring; and, in very sad and difficult circumstances, truly loving by your presence. Love is presence, or it is nothing at all. Our ‘body-language’ is a whole subject in itself, but it can be a good indication as to how we feel in a given situation.

So we can learn to ‘read’ each other by our physical behaviour. ‘Vibes’ and unspoken messages we, and others, give out will aid communication and understanding. Communication can be a healing and growth-giving experience. After all, good listening is hard work but, it can be a humbling privilege for the hearer.

The following pointers to good listening could aid us to improve our communication and understanding of each other. I do hope so.

Listening

You are NOT LISTENING to me when...

• You do not care about me;
• You say you understand before you know me well enough;
• You have an answer for my problem before I’ve finished telling you what my problem is;
• You cut me off before I’ve finished speaking;
• You finish my sentences for me;
• You find me boring and don’t tell me;
• You feel critical of my vocabulary, grammar or accent;
• You are dying to tell me something;
• You tell me about your experience making mine seem unimportant;
• You are communicating to someone else in the room;
• You refuse my thanks by saying you really haven’t done anything.
  

You ARE LISTENING to me when…

• You come quietly into my private world and let me be me;
• You really try to understand me even if I’m not making much sense;
• You grasp my point even when it’s against your own sincere convictions;
• You realise that the hour I took from you has left you a bit tired and drained;
• You allow me the dignity of making my own decisions even though you think they might be wrong;
• You do not take my problem from me, but allow me to deal with it in my own way;
• You hold back your desire to give me good advice;
• You do not offer me religious solace when you sense I am not ready for it;
• You give me enough room to discover for myself what is really going on;
• You accept my gift of gratitude by telling me how good it makes you feel to know that you have been helpful.

“An actor’s a guy who, if you ain’t talking about him, he ain’t listening.”
Marlon Brando

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