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Barnes in Commonthe magazine of Churches Together in Barnes
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IT Phone Homeby Anthony GardinerMy computer has detected a worm in my system. How does it do that? I have to take my cats to the vet to detect worms in their system. It is only when I realise that I am experiencing computer speak that I come to my senses. But I can’t relax. Not yet. I have to ask the computer to seek out this worm activity. What’s more it is in the choir website for St. Michael’s Church. Has the Da Vinci code found a way in to our sanctuary? Must I solve the riddle before I can send a reply to Candice, whose message tells me she can sing at a funeral? Reaching for my blood pressure medication I read the name on the packet. It’s ‘Bill and Ben’ speak now. Amlodipine. What sort of name is that? The Flower Pot Men are invading my medicine chest. Back to the computer and it hasn’t found this burrowing little worm yet. I am powerless. The trouble is I have forgotten how I used to do things before these labour saving machines came along. Use the telephone. It’s obvious. Just pick up the phone and call a friend. I dial and wait, feeling a calmness taking hold of me. This is how we used to do it, and the ring tone is reassuring. But Candice is not there. Her Answer-phone is. Another machine is talking to me. What is more, it’s not her voice. A patronising woman is speaking to me as if I am an idiot. “The person you are calling is unavailable.” I know that. I’m not a fool. This woman is not Candice. She has infiltrated the telephone and is brainwashing her, and all her friends with this sensible, irritating voice. “If you wish to leave a message please speak clearly after the tone.” I speak as clearly as I can, being in a state of nervous anxiety by now. How do I know the message will get to Candice? Who is this woman? Does she go to St. Michael’s? I return to my computer. No worm has been found, it tells me, “Return to what you were doing”. I click on Send and Receive All. “You have 3 new messages.” You’ve guessed it. Casino gambling, Replica Watches and something unspeakable I am supposed to do to make a girlfriend deliriously happy. I’m suddenly alerted to another sound. It’s my mobile phone, using its new ring tone. A bell. Once I have realised it’s my mobile and not an old telephone next door it’s too late to find it and connect to the incoming call. I don’t recognise the number, even though I have rung the owner’s landline. But a message has been left. It’s Candice, and it’s a text message devised by the writers of The Flower Pot Men. OK4Wed Noon.Can. I reply: Be bop little weeeed – slobadob. Modern communication is so much fun.  |
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